Price, 25 Cents 



PAINE'S 
POPULAR PLAYS 



The Great 
Chicken- Stealing 

Case 
of Squash County 



RICHARDSON 



PAINE PUBLISHING GO. 

DAYTON, OHIO 



NO PLAYS EXCHANGED 



MUSICAL ENTERTAINMENTS 

These songs can be used in all manner of entertainments. The 
music is easy and both music aud words are especially catchy. Children 
like them. Everybody likes them. Sheet music. Price, 35 cents each. 

HERE'S TO THE LAND OF THE STABS AND THE STRIPES. 

(Bugbee-Worrell.j A patriotic song which every child should know and" 
love. The sentiment is elevating. The music is martial and inspiring. 
May be effectively sung by the entire school. Suitable for any occasion 
and may be sung by children or grown-ups. Be the first to use this 
song in your community. 

I'LE NEVER PLAY WITH YOU AGAIN. (Guptill-Weaver.) A 
quarrel between a small boy and girl. The words are defiant and pert. 
The boy and his dog have been in mischief, and the small maiden pout- 
ingly declares that she will never play with him again, but changes her 
mind in the last verse. A taking little duet for any occasion, with full 
directions for motions. 

JOLLY FARMER LADS AND LASSIES. (Irifih-Lyman.) A de- 
cidedly humorous action song prepared especially for district schools. 
It will make a hit wherever produced. 

JOLLY PICKANINNIES. (Worrell.) Introduce this coon song 
into your next entertainment. If you use the directions for the mo- 
tions which accompany the music, the pickaninnies will bring down the 
house. Their black faces and shining eyes will guarantee a "hit." The 
words are great and the music just right. 

EUEEABY LANE. (Worrell.) This song is one which the chil- 
dren, once having learned, will never forget. The words have the charm 
of the verses written by Robert Louis Stevenson. The music is equally 
sweet and is perfectly suited to the beautiful words. It may be sung 
as a solo by a little girl with a chorus of other little girls with dolls, or 
as a closing song by the whole school. 

MY OWN AMERICA, I EOVE BUT THEE. (Worrell.) Here 
is a song that will arouse patriotism in the heart of every one who 
hears it. The music is so catchy that the children and grown-ups, too, 
just can't resist it. It makes a capital marching song. 

NOW, AREN'T YOU GLAD YOU CAME? (Guptill-Weaver.) 
This is a closing song which is quite out of the ordinary. There is 
humor in every line. The music is lively. Your audience will not 
soon forget this spicy song for it will get many an unexpected laugh. 
The motions which accompany this song make it doubly effective. For 
any occasion and for any number of children. 

WE ABE CBEEPY LITTEE SCARECROWS. (Guptill-Weaver.) 
A weird, fascinating action song. You can't go wrong with this song. 
There are four verses and chorus. Complete directions accompany this 
song so that it may be featured as a song and drill, if desired. For any 
occasion and for any number of children. 

WE'VE JUST ABBIVED FROM BASHFUL TOWN. (Worrell.) 
This song will bring memories to the listeners of their own bashful 
school days. They will recall just how "scared" they were when asked 
to sing or play or speak. The words are unusually clever. The music 
is decidedly melodious. It makes a capital welcome song or it may be 
sung at any time on any program with assured success. 

WE HOPE YOU'VE BBOUGHT YOUR SMILES AEONG. (Wor- 
rell.) A welcome song that will at once put the audience in a joyous 
frame of mind and create a happy impression that will mean half the 
success of your entire program. Words, bright and inspiring. Music, 
catchy. A sure hit for your entertainment. 

WE'LL NOW HAVE TO SAY GOOD-BYE. (Worrell.) This 
beautiful song has snap and go that will appeal alike to visitors and 
singers. It is just the song to send your audience home with happy 
memories of the occasion. 

Paine Publishing Company Dayton, Ohio 



The Great 
Chicken-Stealing 

Case 
of Squash County 



BY 

WALTER RICHARDSON 



PAINE PUBLISHING COMPANY 

DAYTON, OHIO 



CHARACTERS 
Jerimiah Jehosaphat Wiseman The Judge 

Julius Caesar Longfellow Johnson 

Attorney for Plaintiff 

Abraham Augustus Cicero Smith , . . 

Attorney for the Defendant 

William Jennings Jonthan Brown Clerk of Court 

William Harrison Henry Tubbs .The Sheriff 

James Calhoun Emerson Bones. The Defendant 

Matilda Malinda Cunningham Jones The Plaintiff 

Witnesses for the Plaintiff 






John Mansfield Sylvester Jones. . .Husband of Plaintiff 
James Flynet Appleseed Hired Hand of Plaintiff 

Witness for the Defendant 

Martha Washington Eliza Bones Negro Minister 

Jurors 
The number of jurors may be either six or twelve. 

' ' k 

DEC 16 1921 © C1D 5939 ° 



COSTUMES 

Judge: Thread-bare trousers, swallow-tail -coat, pow- 
dered hair or wig, large square-rimmed glasses. 

Attorney for the Plaintiff: Tuxedo coat and any loud- 
colored trousers and large red bow tie. 

Attorney for the Defendant : Costume similar to' the pre- 
ceding, green bow and loud colored shirt. 

Defendant : Costume should be shabby, indicating thrift- 
lessness. 

Sheriff : Official-looking uniform, which allows space for 
padding to make officer appear large ; mace and large tin star. 

Costumes of all other characters to be appropriate to their 
respective parts. 

STAGE PROPERTIES 

Three small tables for attorneys and clerk of court. A 
desk for judge. 

Chairs for' judge, attorneys, clerk of court, sheriff, plain- 
tiff, defendant and jurors. Chair placed on platform to 
serve as witness stand. 

Many references books and papers in the case. 

Box with chicken feet protruding from the slatted top to 
represent stolen chicken. 



Copyright, 1921, by Paine Publishing Company 

3 



The Great Chicken-Stealing Case 
of Squash County 



Scene : A Courtroom 



Discovered in their respective places: Judge; Attorney 
for Plaintiff; Attorney for the Defendant; Clerk of Court; 
Sheriff; Plaintiff, and Jury. 

Judge (rapping for order) — Dis heah Co't will now come 
to awduh! (To Attorney for Plaintiff.) Mistah Johnsing, 
am you ready? 

Atty. for P. (rising) — Yassuh, yo' Honuh, I is. (Takes 
seat.) 

Judge (to Attorney for Defendant) — Mistah Smith, is 
you ready? 

Atty for D. (rising) — Yassuh, yo 5 Honuh. (Takes 
seat.) 

Judge (to Clerk of Court) — Mistah Brown, state de case 
to de Co't. 

C. of C. (rising and reading in a very loud manner) — De 
case ub de state ub Awkansaw, Squash County, Coon Town- 
ship, against James Calhoun Emerson Bones, defendant, fuh 
de stealin' ub one fowl, udderwise known as chickun', f rum 
Mrs. Matilda Malinda Cunningham Jones, plaintiff; de said 
chickun' in question bein' now in de possession ub de Co't. 
(Takes seat.) 

5 



THE GREAT CHICKEN-STEALING CASE. 

Judge — She'iff, re-pro-duce de prisnuh. (Sheriff goes 
out and returns with the defendant, whom he places in 
chair.) Ah now awduhs de zamanation ub de witness fuh 
de plaintiff in dis heah case. 

Atty. for P. (rising) — Yo' Honuh, John Mansfield Syl- 
vester Jones is mah fust witness. 

C. of C. (to Sheriff) — Mistuh Tubbs, per-juce Mistuh 
John Mansfield Sylvester Jones, de fust witness fuh de plain- 
tiff". (Sheriff produced the witness in question, and Clerk 
of Court, holding a book out to him, swears him in thus.) 
Lay yo' lef han on de Bible and put yo' right han in de aiah 
an repeat whut I done says. (Jones puts right hand on 
Bible, then realizes his mistake and changes hands.) Ah do 
solumly sweah to tell de trufe — 

Mr. Jones (looking surprised) — Ah don't sweah, suh. 

C. of C. (hotly) — Who said yo' all must sweah? 

. Judge— Awduh in de Co't! Mr. Jones, de clerk ain't 
axing yuh to sweah. 

Mr. Jones (rising)— -Yo' Honuh, Ah takes hit dat way, 
an' mah fellins' am pow' fully tramped on. 

C. of C. (rising) — Ah begs yo' paw don, Mistuh Jones, 
kase I'se only interrogatin' conscarnin' de credibility of yo' 
highly flavored testificashun. 

Mr. Jones (looking wild-eyed) — Looka heah, niggah, bite 
dem wurds up so de Jedge can undahstand whut de means. 

6 




THE GREAT CHICKEN-STEALING CASE. 

Judge (acting dignified) — Mistah Jones, de langwedge ob 
de Clerk am cleah as watah to me. Whut de Clerk am 
nshin' aftah, am are yo' willin' to tell de trufe in dis heah 
case. 

Mr. Jones (brightening up) — Oh, dats whut yo' all 
means, eh? Sho' I'se willin' to tell de trufe. Mah wife 
knows dat. 

Atty. for P. (to Mr. Jones) — State yo* name to de Co't, 
Mistah Jones. 

Mr. Jones — John Mansfield Sylvester Jones. 

Atty for P. — Whut am yo' c'rect age? 

Mr. Jones — Well, I'se jest ten yeahs oldah den mah wife. 

Atty for P. — Whut am de c'rect age ob yo' wife, den? 

Mr. Jones (laughing) — Say, niggah, common hoss sense 
ought to larn yuh all, dat mah wife is ten yeahs younger den 
I is, accordin' to mah fust state-munt. 

Judge (looking over spectacles) — Cum to de pint in de 
cas, geminen. I awduhs de case to percede. 

Atty. for P. (pointing to witness) — Now, Mistah Jones, 
will yo' ansuh direckly whut am yo' c'rect age? 

Mr. Jones — Yuh means how old I is? 

Atty. for P. — Perzackly. 

Mr. Jones — Ef I libs till dis heah case am finished, I'll be 
fawty-fibe yeahs old. 

7 



THE GREAT CHICKEN-STEALING CASE. 

Mrs. Jones (jumping ,up) — Niggah, I tole yuh not to 
tell mah age. (Starts toward witness.) I'll break dat brain 
bowl ob yo's. 

Mr. Jones (retreating) — Looka yeah, little woman, I 
nevah tole yo'-alls age, Missus, can't dis heah Co't sudge- 
tract, yuh ignoramas? 

Judge (rapping for order) — Awduh in de Co't. Percede 
wid de case, Mistah Johnsing. 

Atty. for P. — Mistah Jones, does you beliebe dis-heah 
James Calhoun Emerson Bones, defendant, done stole yo' 
wife's chickun? 

Mr. Jones — Yassah, I absolutely does. 

Atty. for P. — On whut groun's does yuh beliebe hit? 

Mr. Jones (scratches head) — On mah own groun's, 
about ten akuhs, I beliebe. (Jury laughs, and all show 
amusement.) 

Atty. for P. (looking disgusted) — Yuh don't git mah 
meanin', Mistuh Jones. Whut makes yuh all beliebe dat 
Mistah Bones, de defendant in dis heah case, done stole yo' 
wife's chickun? 

Mr. Jones — Seein' is belieben', ain't hit ? Don't Ah knows 
dis heah Bones when Ah sees him? 

Atty. for P. (to witness) — Is yuh sho' dat-ah thief, wah 
Mistah Bones? 

Mr. Jones — As sho' as de eath habe foah conahs. 

8 



THE GREAT CHICKEN-STEALING CASE. 

Atty. for P. — How wuz yuh able to distingwitch 'urn? 

Mr. Jones — It wah a pufeckly bright moon-shinny night, 
an Ah done knows dat-ah Bones fuh fifty-fibe yeahs. 

Atty. for D. {takes witness) — Is Mitilda Malinda Cun'- 
ham Jones yo' wife? 

Mr. Jones — She sho' am, yo' Honuh ; an futhuh-mo' she 
am an angel. She lubs me, Ah knows. 

Judge {raps for order) — Ansuh whut yuh am axed and 
no mo', Mistah Jones. 

Atty. for D. — How ole' did yuh say yuh is ? 

Mr. Jones — Whar wuz yuh when Ah tole de Co't mah 
age? Ah is fawty-fibe. 

Atty. for D. — An' how long hab yuh done say yuh knows 
Mistuh Bones, de defendant? 

Mr. Jones — Fuh fifty-fibe yeahs. 

Atty. for D. — An' yuh only fawty-fibe, yo' self? Wit- 
ness perscused. {Mr. Jones withdraws.) Ah requests de 
ebidense be zamined as regahds de age ub Mistuh Jones, 
and de time he has knowed Mistah Bones. 

Judge — De Ju'y will zamine de testificashun ub de wit- 
ness. 

Atty. for P. — Mah nex' witness is Mistah James Flynet 
Appleseed. 

C. of C. {to Sheriff) — Mistah Tubbs, pro-juce de wit- 
ness. {Mr. Appleseed is szvom in rapidly, thus:) Do yuh 

9 



THE GREAT CHICKEN-STEALING CASE. 

solumly sweah dat yuh will tell de trufe, de whole trufe, and 
nuttin' but de trufe? So help me. 

Mr. Appleseed — Ah sho' does. 

Atty. for P. — Den take de witness stan\ 

Mr. Appleseed — Ah refuse, suh, it's stealin', besides, we 
don't need dat-ah chaiah. 

Atty. for P. (looking disgusted) — Mistuh Appleseed, Ah 
means fuh yuh to set yo'self down in dat-ah chaiah (points 
to chair), am dat plain enuf ' ? 

Mr. Appleseed (takes stand) — Yuh sho' am plain, Mistul 

Johnsing. 

Atty. for P. — State yo' name to de Co't. 

Mr. Appleseed — Mali name am James Flynet Appleseed, 
ub Goon Township. 

Atty. for P. — Whut is yo' ocypation, Mistuh Appleseed ? 

Mr. Appleseed — Whut's dat? 

Atty. for P. — Ah mean, whut does yuh all do fuh a 
libin' ? 

Mr. Appleseed — Ah is Miz Mitilda Milinda Cun'ham 
Jones' hiah'd man. 

Atty. for P. — Mistuh Appleseed, whut does yuh know 
about dis heah chickun stealin' case? 

Mr. Appleseed— Which chickun, yo' Honuh? 

10 



THE GREAT CHICKEN-STEALING CASE. 

Atty. for P. {looking puzzled) — Why, de chickun dat 
once belonged to Miz Jones, plaintiff, in dis heah case. 

Mr. Appleseed — She am sum' chickun, Ah had huh out 
to de ba'n dance to'other night. Miz Jones sho' has some 
sweet plum ub a daughtah. 

Judge — Mistuh Appleseed, de Co't am speakin' ub a 
chickun ub de fowl fambly. 

Mr. Appleseed (sinking back in chair) — Oh, den yuh 
don't mean muh little gal, Missus Eliza Jones? 

Judge — Sutt'nly not, suh. 

Atty. for P. — How many chickuns do Miz Jones haibe? 

Mr. Appleseed — She has one chickun' yo, Honuh. A 
large fat juicy hen. {Jury smacks mouth.) 

Atty. for D. (rises) — Yo' Honuh, Ah objects to dat-ah 
testificashun. It wuks on de Ju'ys sympathy thu' dere 
stumacks. 

Judge — Dejections oberruled. Percede wid de case, Mis- 
tuh Smith. 

Atty. for P. — How ole' is de said chickun in question, 
Mistuh Appleseed ? 

Mr. Appleseed — Hit wah two yeah old dis commin' 
March. 

Atty. for D. (takes witness) — Whut's yo' name? 
Mr. Appleseed — Same as it wuz awhile ago. 

11 



THE GREAT CHICKEN-STEALING CASE. 

Judge — De witness done stated his name to de Co't. 
Please percede wid de cross an' zamination, Mistuh Smith. 

Atty. for D. — Did Ah undahstan' yuh to say Miz Jones, 
de plaintiff in his heah case, had many chickuns? 

Mr. Appleseed — Yassah, she done habe one chickuns, as 
Ah expopulated befo'. 

Atty. for D. — How long has Miz Jones had dis heah 
fowl in question? 

Mr. Appleseed (scratches head) — About fo' yeahs and 
fibe days. 

Atty. for D. — An' how ole did yuh say de chickun wuz ? 

Mr. Appleseed — Two yeahs ole dis comin' March. 

Atty. for D. — Witness exchanged. (Witness zvith- 
draws.) De Co't will notuce de outlandish conflickshun ob 
ebidence. 

Judge — Ah now awduhs de zamination ub de witnesses 
fuh de defendant. 

Atty. for D. (rising).— Ah calls Miz Martha Washington 
Eliza Bones as mah fust witness foh de defendant. 

C. of C. (to Sheriff) — Mistuh Tubbs, pro-juce Miz 
Bones. (Witness sworn in, and placed in chair.) 

Atty. for D. (to Mrs. Bones) — Whut's yo' name. 
Ma'am ? 

Mrs. Bones — Miz Martha Washington Bones. 

12 






THE GREAT CHICKEN-STEALING CASE. 

Atty. for D.-Am Mistuh Calhoun Emerson Bones yo' 
husban' ? 

Mrs. Bones— Yassah, Mistah Bones am mah deah ol' 
husban'. 

Atty. for D. — Miz Bones, whut am de cha'actuh ub yo' 
husban' ? 

Mrs. Bones — He am de bes' man in Squash County, 
ain't yuh, Sweetums? (Points to her husband, who reg- 
isters glee.) 

Atty. for D. — Am yo' ole man fond of chickun? 

Mrs. Bones — He sho' is, yo' Honuh. 

Atty. for D. — Would yo' husban's stumick cause him to 
steal to satisfy his appatight? 

Mrs. Bones — No-suh, yo' Honuh, dat-ah man am too 
religus fuh dat. 

Atty. for P. (takes witness) — Whut chuch does yo' ole 
man attend, Miz Bones? 

Mrs. Bones — None, yo' Honuh, he's jes' natchully re- 
ligus. 

Atty. for D. (jumping up) — Yo' Honuh, Ah subjects to 
dat-ah question. 

Judge — State yo' subjections, Mistuh Smith. 

Atty. for D. — De constitution don say a man shall habe 



free religus exersize thereof. 



13 



THE GREAT CHICKEN-STEALING CASE. 

Judge — Subjections upheld. Percede wid de case. 

Atty. for P. (to witness) — Has yo' ole man got any 
chickuns ? 

Mrs. Bones — Yassuh, one fat hen. 

Atty. for P. — How long has yuh had dis heah hen? 

Mrs. Bones — About fibe yeahs, suh. 

Atty. for P. — Whah did yuh git dis heah hen in question? 

Mrs. Bones — Ah done bought her frum Miz Jones about 
two yeahs ago. 

Atty. for P. — Am dat a fact? 

Mrs. Bones — Hit sho' am, yo' Honuh. 

Mrs. Jones (jumping up) — Dat am a lie. Ah only had 
one chickun, an' Ah's still got hit. 

Judge (looking perplexed) — Miz Jones, yuh are turribly 
fo'getful of yo'self. De Co't am tryin' Mistah Bones fuh 
de stealin' ub yo' chickun ; derefo', accordin' tx> statutes, yuh 
hain't got no chickun. 

Atty. for P. — Witness discussed. (Mrs. Bones with- 
draws.) De Co't will oberlook de statement ub my client, 
Miz Jones. She am all upsot. 

Mrs. Jones — Bless 'em ole soul. He knows Ah needs 

rest. 

Atty. for D. — Mah nex' witness fuh de defendant am 
de Rev. Ebernezah Sidebu'ns. 

14 



THE GREAT CHICKEN-STEALING CASS. 

C. of C. — Mistuh Tubbs, pro-juce de Rev. Ebernezah 
Sidebu'ns, nex' witness fuh de defendant. (Witness 
produced and szvorn in as customary.) 

Atty. for D. (to witness)— Whut am yo' name? 

Rev. Sideburns (looking very devout): — Rev. Ebernezah 
Sidebu'ns, Pastah ub de Colored Babtist Chuch ub Squash 
County, Coon Township. 

Judge (kindly) — Jes' ansuh whut is axed yuh, pahson. 

Atty. for D. — Does yuh all know Mistuh Bones, de de- 
fendant in dis heah case? 

Rev. S. — Ah sho' does. Brothuh Bones am a fine man. 

Atty. for D. — Whut does yuh all know about Mistuh 
Bones cha'actuh? 

Rev. S. — Brothuh Bones am a fine cha'actuh, I holds 'im 
up to mah Sunday skull class ebery Sunday. Ay, verily. 

Atty. for P. — No wondah dey nevah sees heaben. (All 
show amusement.) 

Judge — No slandarus rema'ks, Mistuh Johnsing. 

Atty. for D. — Was yuh ever in Mistuh Bones' house? 

Rev. S. — Ah sho' wuz, many a time. 

Atty. for D. — Witness discussed. (Rev. S. withdraws.) 
Yo' Honuh, dis completes mah zamination. 

Atty. for P. (rising) — Jes' a minute, Rev Sidebu'ns. 

(Rev. Sideburns goes back to chair.) I wants to ax yuh a 

few cross-questions. 

15 



THE GREAT CHICKEN-STEALING CASE. 

Rev. S. — All right, Brothuh Johnsing, but why cross- 
questions? Be kind. Ay, verily. 

Atty. for P. — Did dis heah Mistuh Bones, defendant in 
dis case, eber 'tend chuch? 

Rev. S. — Yassuh, once. 

Atty. for P. — An' when wuz dat? 

Rev. S. — De day we had de community dinnah. Ay, 
verily, dat wah a fine dinnah. 

Atty. for P. — Wah yuh ever over to Bones' house fuh a 
meal ? 

Rev. S. — Ah sho' wah, an' Brothuh Bones sho' had some 
fine dinnah. 

Atty. for P. — Whut kind of meat did Mistuh Bones 
have fuh dinnah? 

Rev. S. — Ah's not suah, but Ah do beliebe it wah chickun. 

Atty. for P. — Whah did Mistuh Bones git dis chickun? 

Rev. S. {looking worried) — Ah nevah axed him 'kase 
Mistuh Bones don't ax me whah Ah gits mah sermons. 

Atty. for P. — Witness exchanged. {Rev. S. withdraws.) 
Yo' Honuh, dis completes mah zamination of witnesses. 

Judge (to Attorney for Plaintiff) — Ah now awdahs yo' 
plea, Mistuh Johnsing. 

16 



THE GREAT CHICKEN-STEALING CASZ. 

Atty. for P. (rising and addressing Judge) — Yo' Honuh, 
Ah, Julius Caesar Longfellow Johnsing, Attuny fuh de 
Plaintiff, Miz Matilda Malinda Cun'ham Jones, now wishes 
to draw yo' 'tention to a few facks in dis heah case. How 
would yuh all like to spen' many days takin' keah ub a 
nice chickun and den habe sum low-down niggah come 
along an' steal hit? Miz Bones an' huh husban' am hahd- 
wucking people an' de loss ub dis heah fowl mean a mighty 
lot to dem. Fum de looks of dem, yuh would t'ink dey was 
prosperus, but dey ain't. Considah, den whut de stealin' ub 
dis heah fowl mus' hab meant to dem. Futhuhmo', de 
Bible done recawd, some whah in de book ub Epidox, de 
fifteent vuss, dat "Thou shalt not steal." Ef Mistuh Bones 
am sech a religus man as his ole 'oman done testified, why 
den, tell me, don't he read and love accawdingly? No suh, 
dis heah Bones ain't eny mo' chuch member den Ah is. He's 
like all de rest ub de niggahs, muhself per-cluded, he uses 
de chuch as a camoflodge to covah ub his scandlous deeds. 
De berry fack dat he went to de chuch dinnah, as testified 
by Rev. Sidebu'ns, shows he lubs chickun. I know dey had 
chickun at dat-ah dinnah, 'kase no niggah's feast am com- 
plete widout 'possum or chickun. (Jury smacks mouth.) 
Beah in min' dat de only time Mistuh Bones was in chuch, 
gemmen ub de Ju'y, wuz when de chuch served a la'ge 
chickun dinnah. Dat proved dat de only religion Mistuh 
Bones eber had went to his stumick. Now dis is not my 
statemunt, but de pahson's, and yuh all knows de pahson 
am a man ub high ideals, eben if he is a witness fuh de 

17 



THE GREAT CHICKEN-STEALING CASE. 

defendant. Futhuhmo', de pahson, who yuh all know by 
dis time, is Rev. Ebernezah Sidebu'ns, done say he took 
dinnah at Mistuh Bone's house. 

He futhuhmo' declaahed dat chickun wuz served. Whah 
did Mistuh Bones git dis chickun? Ah ax yuh? His ole 
'oman say she bought hit frum Miz Jones, my client, but 
yuh all knows dat when a niggah buys enything, he does it 
atter da'k an' fo'gits to leab de money. 

Mr. Bones — Dat am a lie. 

Mrs. Bones — Ah say it am. Mah ole man steals his 
chickuns hones'ly. (AH show surprise.} 

Judge (rapping) — Awduh! Percede, Mistuh Johnsing. 

Atty. for P. (proceeds)- — Now, gemmen ub de Ju'y, Ah 
calls yo' 'tention to Miz Jones, plaintiff in des-heah case. 
Behold huh! (Mrs. Jones weeps loudly.) A few days 
befo' dis scandlous theft she wah as faih as a bloomin' lily, 
as high-spirited as a Kaintucky hoss and as lively as a 
cricket — but now look at huh. (Dramatic gesture.) Oh, 
Ah jess ax yuh to look at huh! Behold, the lily has lost 
hits faihness, de spirit am gone. She am prackly lifeless. 
Why? De reason am plain enuf — a stolen chickun! Gem- 
men ub de Ju'y, yo' all knows how deah to us nigguhs am 
de sound ub chickun. So place yo'self in Miz Jones' shoes 
and t'ink as she t'inks. Ah neber tries to wuck ub de Ju'ys 
sym'thies as de attunny fuh de defendant does. He puts 
ub a pitiful mouf to de Ju'y. Now fuh de proof Ah's got. 
Didn't Mistuh Appleseed, de hiah'd han' of Miz Jones, 

18 



THE GREAT CHICKEN-STEALING CASE. 

plaintiff in dis-heah case, testify dat Miz Jones had one 
chickun, a big, fat, juicy hen? Deahfo' ain't dat proof dat 
Miz Jones had a chickun? Now Mistuh Appleseed am a 
truthful man or Miz Jones would fiah him. An' den didn't 
Mistuh Jones, husban' ub Miz Jones, declaah he saw Mistuh 
Bones, defendant in dis heah case, steal de said chickun? 
Ain't dat proof enuf to send Mistuh Bones to de rock 
pile? Bot' Mistuh Appleseed an' Mistuh Jones am above 
repro'ch. Deahfo' dere words am law an' gospel. Now, in 
conclusion, Ah ax yuh, Hon'able Jedges, to put yo'sefs in 
de position ub de plaintiff, Miz Jones, an' see how yuh 
would feel. Gemmen ub de Ju'y, dis heah completes mah 
plea an' once mo' Ah ax yo' all to considah de facks as Ah 
habe presented dem. Ah also ax no mercy fo' dat low-down 
niggah, Mistuh Bones. (Takes seat, mopping brow.) 

Judge — Ah now awduhs de attunny fo' de defendant to 
give his plea. 

Atty. for D. (bowing gracefully to Judge and Jury) — 
Yo' Honuh, gemmen ub de Ju'y, Ah's pos-tib dat Mistuh 
Bones (indicating defendant with dramatic gesture) am 
completely innuhcent ub dis grabe chahge brung against 
him by Miz Matilda Malinda Cun'ham Jones, State of Aw- 
kansaw Squash County, Coon Township. Ah's convinced 
'kase ub mah own knowledge an' dat which Ah done secu'd 
fum de testifications ub de witnesses, dat Mistuh Bones am 
entiahly innuhcent. Now, gemmen ub de Ju'y, ef yo' alls 
followed dis heah case keahf'ly, dey ain't no question in 
mah min' but whut yo' all will declaah Mistuh Bones in- 
fo. 



THE GREAT CHICKEN-STEALING CASE. 

nuhcent. Now, gemmen ub de Ju'y, Ah ax yo' all to focus 
yo' lamps on Mistuh Bones. Look at him ! Ah ax yuh 
sittin' dere, innuhcent as a chil,' not a trace ub crime does 
yo' all see in dat hon'st face. Why, gemmen, hit's beyon' 
mah powuhs ub comperhennsion to eben dream ub Mistuh 
Bones bein' guilty. Now, Hon'able Jedges, jess lemme tell 
yo' all a few t'ings dat transfiahed in dis heah testifications. 
(Tzuo of the jurors fall asleep and remain so throughout the 
remainder of the plea.) Dat-ah Mistuh Jones, who hum'ly 
admits he am de husban' ub Miz Jones, plaintiff in dis heah 
case, say dat de night Mistuh Bones took de chickun wah a 
moonlight night. 

Well, de Doctuh Pill's almanac say distinckly dat de said 
night in question wah a berry dahk night wid no moon in 
de skies. Now, Ah ax yuh, gemmen ub de Ju'y, how wuz 
Mistuh Jones gonna distingwitch one nigguh out-uh a mil- 
lion in a night like dat? Futhuhmo', Mistuh Bones, de 
defendant fuh fifty-fibe yeahs — upon cross an' zamina- 
tion he, Mistuh Bones, gives his age as fawty-fibe. How, 
gemmen ub de Ju'y, can dis heah be possibule? Ef yo' all 
is doin' yo duty like Ah hopes yuh is, sech outlandish con- 
flicksion of testifications will not pass yo' intelligunt min's 
widout grabe consideration. Now, consunnin' de cha'actuh 
ub Mistuh Appleseed, hiah'd han' an' witness fuh de plain- 
tiff. Dat-ah niggah actually tho't dat when de Co't wah 
speakin' chickun, hit wah referrin' to Miz Jones' gal. Ain't 
dat scandalous to t'ink Miz Jones would allow dat-ah low- 
down niggah to drag huh daughtah's name in de dust by 

20 



THE GREAT CHICKEN-STEALING CASE. 

comparin' huh wid a two-legged fowl ? Den, again, gemmen 
ub de Ju'y, ef yo' all will look into de Co'thouse recawds 
yuh'll find dat Mistuh Appleseed's lease on one ub de cells 
ub de jail wuz up jes a few mon'ts ago. Whut fuh? Fuh 
stealin' sheep ! Deahfo,' Mistuh Ju'uhs, yo' all cain't comply 
upon dis heah nigguh's testification. Last, but not least, 
Ah want to draw yo' 'tention to de testifications ub de Rev. 
Ebernezah Sidebu'ns, whose chance ub gettin' a pa'h ub 
wings an' a ha'p am a settled fack. 

Rev. Sideburns — Yo' all has de same chance as Ah does, 
Brothuh Smith. Ay, verily. 

Atty. for D. — Now, de pahson done say Mistuh Bones 
am fine man ; an' de Lawd only knows de pahson won't lie. 

Rev. Sideburns — Nevah, Brothuh Smith. Ay, verily. 

Atty. for D. — Now then, gemmen ub de Ju'y, ef de 
pahson t'inks so much ub Mistuh Bones dat he presents him 
as an objeck lesson to his Sunday schule class, why drag 
his unstained name in de dust? Ansuh me dat? Ah say. 
Den Miz Bones, de defendant's wife done say pracktick'lly 
whut de Ju'y ef yo' alls done follow dis heah case keahf'ly 
which Ah hopes yuh has, yuh'll decide dat Mistuh Bones 
am entiahly innuhcent ub dis heah grabe chahge. (Takes 
scat.) 

Judge (rising) — Gemmen ub de Ju'y, mah perstructions 
to yo' all am gonna be berry brief. Ah persume, yo' alls 
done heah de spendid ahgymentations ub dese learn'd at- 
tunneys and de testifications ub dis heah witnesses an' yuh's 

21 



THE GREAT CHICKEN-STEALING CASE. 

zamined de ebidence. As de gua'dean ob dis heah Co't, Ah 
want yo' all to weigh dis heah ahgymentations and testifica- 
tions berry keahf'ly in yo' min's an' tell whedduh yuh 
t'inks dis heah James Cal'oun Emerson Bones am guilty aw 
not guilty. Ah ax's yuh to be speedy an' faah in yo' deci- 
sion. Ef Mistuh Bones is declaahed guilty he faces a 
prison turn uf fum th'ee mont's to fo' yeahs — so say de 
fawty-fo'th section ub de law ub Awkinsaw. Now, gemmen 
ub de Ju'y, Ah ax's yo' all tx> considuh dese facks an' act 
accawdin'ly. So now Ah dismisses yo' all in awduh dat 
yuh can make yo' decision. 

{Jurors retire, with the exception of one of the sleeping 
members, zuho continues to snore until one of the others re- 
turns to courtroom, zvakens him, and takes him out, stretch- 
ing and y aiming.) 

Enter Juror 

Juror — Yo' Honuh, hit is necessary fuh de Ju'y to have 
de chickun fuh a few moments, to zamine hit, in awduh to 
detummin' de trufe ub de testifications. 

Mr. Bones (excitedly)— -Yo' Honuh, no tellin' whut dat 
Ju'y will do wid dat-ah chickun. Chickuns am hahd to git. 

Atty. for D. (surprised) — Cam' yo'self, Mistuh Bones. 
De Co't will take care ub dat chickun. 

Judge (to Sheriff) — Mistuh Tubbs, take de chickun in to 
de Ju'y — also' bring de fowl back wid yuh. 

Sheriff— Yassuh, Ah sho' will, yo' Honuh. 

22 



THE GREAT CHICKEN-STEALING CASE. 

Enter Jurors, taking seats 

Judge — De fo'hman ub de Ju'y will now repo't de vud- 
dick. 

Foreman of Jury— Yo' Honuh, aftuh a lengthy delibuh- 
ations, we done decided dat dis heah Mistuh Bones am irre- 
gahdlessly, unaminously, an' widout any constrictions what- 
soebbuh, entiahly innuhcent. 

Judge — Mistuh Bones, yuh is heahby irregahdlessly, 
unaminously, an' widout any constrictions whatsoebbuh, 
duly equitted. 

Mr. Bones (looking frightened) — Yo' Honuh, whut — 
wh — whut's all dat mean ? 

Judge — Yuh po' innuhcent lookin' nigguh, yuh, dat mean 
yuh ain't guilty. Hit means dat yuh is free, dat yuh didn't 
take Miz Jones' chickun. 

Mr. Bones — Den Ah can keep de chickun dat Ah stole? 
(Judge falls off chair, while jury shows great amusement. 
Actors may group themselves together and sing any appro- 
priate song, or curtain may be dropped, whichever is pre- 
ferred.) 

CURTAIN 



PLAYS, MONOLOGS, Etc. 

AS OUR WASHWOMAN SEES IT. (Edna I. MacKenzie.) Time, 10 
minuteg. Nora is seen at the washboard at the home of Mrs. McNeal, 
where, amidst her work, she engages in a line of gossip concerning 
her patrons, that will make a hit with any audience. 25 cents. 

ASK OUIJA. (Edna I. MacKenzie.) Time, 8 minutes. A present- 
day girl illustrates to her friends the wonders of the Ouija hoard. Her 
comments on the mysteries of this present-day fad as she consults 
Ouija will delight any audience. 25 cents. 

COONTOWN TROUBLES. (Bugbee-Berg.) A lively black-face 
song given by Josephus Johnsing, Uncle Rastus and other Coon- 
town folks. 35 cents. 

THE GREAT CHICKEN STEALING CASE OF EBENEZER 
COUNTY. (Walter Richardson.) A negro mock trial for 9 males, 2 
females and jurors. Time, 35 minutes. Any ordinary room easily ar- 
ranged. From start to finish this trial is ludicrous to the extreme 
and will bring roars of laughter from the audience. 25 cents. 

THE GREAT WHISKEY-STEALING CASE OF RUMBOLD TS. 

RYEBOLD. (Walter Richardson.) A mock trial for 11 males and 
jury. The fun increases as the trial proceeds, and reaches a climax 
when the jury decides who stole the whiskey. 25 cents. 

HERE'S TO THE LAND OF THE STARS AND THE STRIFES. 

(Bugbee-Worrell.) Open your minstrel with this rousing patriotic 
song. Sheet music. 35 cents. 

THE KINK IN KIZZIE'S WEDDING. (Mary Bonham.) Time, 20 
minutes. For 7 males and 5 females. A colored wedding that will 
convulse any audience with laughter. Said to be the funniest mock 
wedding ever produced. 25 cents. 

SHE SAYS SHE STUDIES. A monologue. (Edna I. MacKenzie.) 
A sentimental high-school girl seated with her books preparing the 
next day's lessons, in a highly original and entertaining manner, ex- 
presses her views on the merits of her various studies and her un- 
biased opinion of her teachers, as she proceeds from book to book in 
the order of her recitation; but when she has finished, you will agree 
that she is very much more of an entertainer than a student. 
25 cents. 

SUSAN GETS READY FOR CHURCH. (Edna I. MacKenzie.) 
Time, 10 minutes. It is time for church and Susan, at her toilet, is 
excitedly calling for missing articles and her rapid line of gossip about 
her friends and of certain church activities will bring many a laugh. 
25 cents. 

THAT AWFUL LETTER. A comedy of unusual merit, in one act. 
(Edna I. MacKenzie.) For five girls. Time, 30 minutes. Recom- 
mended for high schools, societies and churches. Elizabeth Norton, an 
accomplished college girl from the country, has been reluctantly and 
rudely invited to visit a city cousin, Margaret Neilson, whom she has 
never seen. Finding she is expected to be gawky and uneducated, 
Elizabeth acts the part perfectly. Developments follow thick and 
fast amid flashes of wit, humor and satire from Elizabeth,, who at 
last reveals her. real self. Margaret's humiliation is complete and 
there is a happy ending. All the characters are good. The country 
cousin is a star. 25 cents. 

THE UNEXPECTED GUEST. A one-act comedy. (Edna I. Mac- 
Kenzie.) Six females. Time, 45 minutes. The unexpected arrival of 
an eccentric aunt throws, a family into a state of excitement and 
dismay, but before the play is over the unwelcome aunt has en- 
deared herself to her rlatives in quite an unexpected manner. Funny 
situations throughout. 25 cents. 

Paine Publishing Company Dayton, Ohio 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 




CHRISTMAS ENTERTAIN « 0" 400 098 



CHRISTMAS AT PUNKIN HOLLER. (Elizabeth F. Guptill.) 
One of the most popular Christmas plays published, that abounds in 
clean, wholesome fun from beginning to end. It depicts the trials 
of the teacher of an old-fashioned "deestric school" in conducting the 
last rehearsal for the Christmas Entertainment. Children and grown- 
ups will be delighted with CHRISTMAS AT PUNKIN HOLLER. 25c. 

CHRISTMAS AT MCCARTHY'S. (Elizabeth P. Guptill.) A Christ- 
mas play for young folks and children that is brimful of fun from 
start to close and is interspersed with the gentlest pathos. All the 
characters are good. Easy to produce. No special scenery or cos- 
tumes. No Santa Claus. Can be played in any schoolroom. 25c, 

CHRISTMAS SPEAKIN' AT SRAGGS'S SKULE. (Marie Irish.) 
Just published. Humorous entertainment for six boys and eight girls, 
including Ole, the Swede; Rastus, the negro; bashful Bill; Jeremiah 
Judkins, the skule clerk; Mis' Skaggs and Mis' Hill, the mothers who 
"help out;" fat little sister; Matildy and Florildy, the twins; Sam 
who st-t-tut-ters; Tiny, and Miss Emmeline Elkins, the teacher. The 
speech by the skule clerk and the fake Santy Claus are features. 25c. 

CHRISTMAS DIALOGUES. (Cecil J. Richmond.) Every dialogue 
in this book is decidedly to the point and easy to prepare. They will 
delight both young and old. The book contains the following: Is 
There a Santa Clause? (2 small children, Santa Claus and chorus); 
Herbert's Discovery (2 boys); The Christmas Dinner (2 little girls, 
1 larger girl, and 2 boys); Playing Santa Claus (1 small and 2 larger 
boys); A Double Christmas Gift (2 small girls, 2 larger girls, and 3 
boys). Many customers have told us that the last named dialogue is 
worth the price of the book. 25 cents. 

EVERGREEN AND HOLLY— SONG AND DRILL. (Elizabeth F. 
Guptill. A drill for any even number of boys and girls, or all girls. The 
girls carry garlands of evergreen while the boys carry wreaths of the 
same. After a spectacular drill and fancy march they all sing a beau- 
tiful Christmas song, which accompanies the drill. Easy to produce aaid 
decidedly novel. 25 cents. 

GOOD-BYE, CHRISTMAS GROUCHES. (Irish-Lyman.) A jolly 
Christmas song for any number of boys and girls. It abounds with 
Christmas cheer and many pleasant surprises. Full of action. Sheet 
music. This popular song will put "pep" in your Christmas enter- 
tainment and will furnish your audience a rare treat. 35 cents. 

I*OINSETTIA DRILL. (Marie IriBh.) A drill for 12 or more 
girls carrying poinsettias. Given to the music of a lively march, 
interspersed with verses to the tune of the song. "Comin* Through 
the Rye." Several diagrams make clear the following of the direc- 
tions. One of the most beautiful Christmas drills published. 25 cents. 

SANTA CLAUS IS COMING. (Irish-Garster.) Song for little 
folks. Easy words and simple action. A pleasing little song that the 
children will enjoy giving and others will enjoy hearing, because of 
its merry humor. Sheet music. 35 cents. 

STARS OF BETHLEHEM. (Irish-Leyman.) A beautiful song of 
the Christ Child for either solo or chorus. The music is sweet and 
perfectly suited to the beautiful words. A delightful number for 
children or adults. Sheet music, 35 cents. 

SNOWBOUND FOR CHRISTMAS. (Edna I. MacKenzie.) For 4 
boys and 4 girls. Time, 25 minutes. The roads being blocked by a recent 
snowstorm, the Simpson family has not been able to get to town to 
do their Christmas shopping. After considerable lamenting by the 
children over their disappointment, Ma Simpson, Pa Simpson, and 
the older children determine upon home-made presents, which results 
in a most pleasant surprise. 25 cents. 

TOPSY TURVY CHRISTMAS, A. (Elizabeth F. Guptill.) A de- 
cidedly humorous Christmas play for any number of children from six 
to twelve years old. The children are tired of "minding" and of 
everything being "just so," so they start to find a place where things 
will be different. There is a pleasing surprise for the audience at every 
turn of the play. 25 cents. 



Paine Publishing Company 



Dayton, Ohio 



